Awe

A Reflection from: L.A. 

May 16, 2014 was my last day of finals. My last official day of sophomore year. After all the things that have happened - all the time rushing by so quickly, all the time moving by so slowly - I can't believe that all those events and life changes made up my sophomore year. It felt like two different lifetimes, but in reality, it was just my sophomore year. If I would describe it in one word, it would be "change." Nothing describes change as well as this school year.

From getting my mind to transfer, to entering my sophomore year in Elon knowing that it would be my last semester there and that I'd have to leave all my friends and family that I've met, to trying to live life to its fullest with the people I love, to moving to the other side of the country and to the unknown, to being ultimately unhappy about my new life in LA, to accepting the misery and dwelling in it, to picking myself up and getting over it and not being afraid of failure, to actually achieving goals, to experience new things I never thought I would experience so soon, and to finally being absolutely happy and thankful for the new life I've managed to get a hold of.

It definitely wasn't easy and there were many tears and sleepless nights on the way. But in the end, it was all necessary. Up to this day I cannot believe that I actually did it, and that I still need to keep trying and pursuing what I love and exploring new horizons because that's what life is all about. And I love it that way.

Today, I moved out of my dorm and into a house with a room of my own that I am absolutely in love with. Back from watching The Amazing Spider-Man 2 with my FASA fam, I lay here in bed for the first time and write. In so many ways I've grown and discovered new things about myself - things that I never thought I could conquer and get over. I've got so much growing left to do and I can't wait! Because all this hard work, all the emotional roller coasters and pools of self doubt make me feel that I can lose and win in life - and at the end of it all, I can proudly lay down and say, "I did it. I don't know how, and dang it I feel that I got lucky, but I did it!"

So did I like my sophomore year better than my freshman year of college? I honestly don't know. They were too different. But it was definitely a year of growth and independence. I'm so thankful for all the people that I met this semester - especially the ones that stayed until after spring break, and especially the ones I got closer to after spring break. They made L.A. feel like home, and I will be forever grateful for that.

Two years of college down. I can't even process if it was quick or not because in all honesty, it took a while for me to get to where I am right now. I don't know where life will take me or if some people will stay, but I hope that from now on, it'll be a great adventure down the road where the finish line is a goal I want to achieve.

I hope junior year treats me well, but until then, here's a toast to a summer where I hope I learn a lot of things and experience new adventures!!

Thanks, sophomore year. I appreciate you more than I can express.

I Remember How I Loved You

Thoughts from: L.A.

Four years have passed since we decided to put a break into our relationship. It's crazy to think that it's already been that long; crazy to think how we've both changed individually. Over the past month, during a few talks with some friends, someone asked me how many guys I've loved so far in my life. It's a simple answer: one. Some people thought it was cute and some people thought it was sad. But I think it's a great thing. I don't play with the word "love" so easily, so when I say it, I mean it. And I'm glad that I didn't just throw it away to other people - I sincerely just loved one person who was my only boyfriend.

I don't know what it was that made things feel so at ease with you. Maybe it was the distance and the fact that you couldn't force me to do anything because we were physically apart. Or maybe it's because you never pressured me into doing anything - you always put my feelings first.

I don't know how it would have been different if we were at the same place at the same time during our relationship. And honestly, I'm fine with never knowing because the past is in the past. But now I just wonder if I could love someone the same way. Because even if there's a sense of attraction at the moment, a part of me feels scared, maybe even terrified, of being with someone who's actually here. All the "what-ifs" start rolling in my head and all my insecurities start rushing in once more. Suddenly loving someone the way I loved you seems scarier than it should be.

Maybe it's just a phase or me over-thinking things like I usually do. But whoever he is that comes into my life, I hope he wipes away all my fears, and makes me feel secure.