Thoughts from: L.A.
Four years have passed since we decided to put a break into our relationship. It's crazy to think that it's already been that long; crazy to think how we've both changed individually. Over the past month, during a few talks with some friends, someone asked me how many guys I've loved so far in my life. It's a simple answer: one. Some people thought it was cute and some people thought it was sad. But I think it's a great thing. I don't play with the word "love" so easily, so when I say it, I mean it. And I'm glad that I didn't just throw it away to other people - I sincerely just loved one person who was my only boyfriend.
I don't know what it was that made things feel so at ease with you. Maybe it was the distance and the fact that you couldn't force me to do anything because we were physically apart. Or maybe it's because you never pressured me into doing anything - you always put my feelings first.
I don't know how it would have been different if we were at the same place at the same time during our relationship. And honestly, I'm fine with never knowing because the past is in the past. But now I just wonder if I could love someone the same way. Because even if there's a sense of attraction at the moment, a part of me feels scared, maybe even terrified, of being with someone who's actually here. All the "what-ifs" start rolling in my head and all my insecurities start rushing in once more. Suddenly loving someone the way I loved you seems scarier than it should be.
Maybe it's just a phase or me over-thinking things like I usually do. But whoever he is that comes into my life, I hope he wipes away all my fears, and makes me feel secure.
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