Just Once

Feelings in: L.A.

Getting over someone is probably the hardest thing a woman can go through. What sucks is even when life seems to be getting better, I always seem to fall in the holes on the ground. That's what it's really like - walking on the ground with hills along the way; no matter how much you walk forward, the ground will always have some pit holes that you would fall into. It doesn't matter whether or not you're on top of the hill or not, there's always going to be a hole of sadness and climbing out that hole to walk back on the ground becomes a harder and longer process than falling.

Sometimes strange things happen in life that make you really realize that you're not over that guy even when you know that you're not meant to be together and that you deserve so much better. Because no matter who gives you hugs or cuddles you, a part of you would always feel that you'd rather it be him doing all those things for you. Then you start wondering if he would even care if he found out.

It also sucks how things are so double-sided. Like when something good happens, he's automatically the first person you want to tell it to, but since you're broken up and bitter towards his moving on so quickly, you don't want him to find out.

I think of wishing for a lot of things that I know won't come true - I wish that I could get over this right away; I wish that time would pass by quicker; I wish that karma gets him; I wish that he didn't move on so quickly; I wish that he was in the same state I'm in. But there's no use in wishing things like this. Instead, I wish that I could have the strength to climb back up every time I fall into a pit hole. I wish that every time I climb back up, I get to walk with more confidence and be stronger the next time I fall. I wish I could keep walking, no matter how fast or how slow it takes me, and not give up. And I wish that somewhere at the finish line, there will be people or someone who will be there to hold my hand and tell me that I don't have to go through that journey alone anymore. But really, I just wish I have the strength to go through this challenge in life by myself. And I wish that after this long and strenuous journey, I can find the courage to trust someone with my heart again, because right now, I don't think I can.

Moving on and finally being happy about it

I feel a lot better today. I talked to a couple of people who have been there to support me since the beginning of this breakup. I talked to them about the situation that happened yesterday and no matter how many ups and downs I go through, I always come to the same conclusion: that I am better off without him. You know what? It feels great. It finally feels great!

I really hope I don't see him and her together (if they end up as a couple, which I'm sure they will) because that really won't be necessary in my life. Good luck to both of them with whatever happens. No sarcasm intended, I really wish them luck. Now it's my turn to not give two shits about it.

I'm thankful for everything he's done for me and for the time we had, but his purpose in my life is done and vice versa. I hate how he's been so selfish and childish throughout this breakup process and after. I hate how he just didn't care about my feelings at all. I really don't need that in my life. I deserve so much better and I don't need another guy to help me get through this because I can do it by myself along with the support of everyone else to help me stand when I start falling.

I am done. I am moving on. I'll look back and smile, then I'll always turn my head forward and keep walking towards the future. I'll embrace the sadness when it comes and I'll be a roller coaster of emotions, but I will be a stronger person after this, and I'll be a better and more independent being.

I don't need him anymore and I don't want him anymore. It's all in the past. I'm thankful for it but I am more thankful for the future - the future guy who will be so much better than he ever will be, and my future self who would be more focused on my goals and what I want and what I truly need.

I'm not the same person I was yesterday and the weeks and months before. I changed and I feel it. What's good is that I feel great about it. I was walking home from class tonight with a smile on my face. For the first time since the breakup, I genuinely feel happy. Happy that I'm single and that it doesn't bother me. Happy that I'm free from the worst that could have been. Happy that I can move on and look forward to whatever this place has to offer.

This place can beat me up and really bring me down, but after I've endured everything, I'll look back at these battle scars, take a deep breath, and know that I am always better where I am now than where I was before.