Wake Up Call

Thoughts in: L.A. 

I had two wake up calls on Wednesday: the first, was to give up liking this guy because it's going nowhere and all the confusion in my head finally made sense. The second, was to snap out of my pool of self-doubt and discourage, and to just apply to get in the Film Production program here in school. I've thought about it a lot and before I was really thinking of just settling with a major in TV Production. I wouldn't have to do a portfolio and it sounded interesting. With the portfolio due date coming by so soon, I thought, "Yeah, I don't need to get into Film Production. Same thing anyway." Thank God I didn't end up not trying out for it again. I did that for Musical Theatre and I don't want to do it again. This whole not-believing-in-myself thing is getting ridiculous and if I feel that I'm not good enough for anything and never end up trying, I'll really never know. I guess I owe my wake up call to my film professor, who could be real mean in class but once he approached me and talked to me about applying to the major, things changed. Maybe I have potential - I'm not a pro and I have so much to learn, but the thing is, I love learning new things about film - about cinematography, lighting, editing, anything about it. So thanks to the wonders of Wednesday and everything that happened in it. Thanks to my friend, who I usually chat with during break in class, for not showing up - because he wasn't there, my professor got to talk to me for a bit and gave me hope. Thanks to my professor for being harsh - it only meant that once he's nice, he might be seeing potential (or not, but I'd like to believe so). Thanks to the guy for not texting me back - I finally got to give up on you and not be so caught up in liking you. Thanks to my two high school friends for coming to visit me that night - for the first time, I needed this place to feel like home, and you guys made that happen. And it was also comforting to know that I'm not the only one who's unhappy or unsure about what to major in.

It's a Saturday morning. I'm minutes away from getting ready to take photos for my photo story needed in my portfolio. I spent the rest of the week thinking about it and thanks to my roommate last night, I got the best moral dilemma. I have the shot list and storyboard ready. And... *breaks into song* FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVEEEEEEEEEEEER, okay maybe not forever, but for the first time ever since I attended CSUN, I'm finally excited to do something for my major and for my next 2 years left of college. I'm finally excited to try. There's no backing down anymore. Failure is no longer scary. For the first time since I got here, I found my passion again. This time, I'm not letting go of it that easily anymore.

So thank you, Wednesday. I'm awake now. Cue "Wake Me Up" by Avicii.

The Bright Side of Night

Memories from: Taiwan and L.A.

Four weeks ago I finally admitted to myself that I am unhappy in my new university. Los Angeles is great - lots of places to see, things to do, etc. But what I've learned from before and what I'm reiterating now is that the people you're with is what makes a place feel like home. Although I'm thankful for some of the friends I've made here in CSUN, it still doesn't feel like home, and until it feels like home, I won't find permanent happiness. However, what I'm most thankful for ever since I came here are my high school and elementary friends. I'd be so miserable without them. Tonight, one of my best friends and my classmate from high school came to visit me. They arrived at 9:37pm and left at like 1:30am; it was just the most wonderful thing. We hung out in Starbucks and walked around campus. The weather was nice and chilly and campus looked great at night, especially since there weren't people around. For the first time since I got here, I felt safe and more at home. Like there was hope for the human race again haha. It's so interesting to see how we've all grown individually and goal-wise, but at the same time, still stayed similar character-wise. I guess that's the thing with growing up with each other, being apart for a while, then catching up and picking things up where they left off. We're almost not the same people we were in high school, but we're still us.

What I'm trying to get at is, even if I'm unhappy here, wondering what I did wrong in life to deserve this state of loneliness, I guess I really must've done something right somewhere along the way to have made such great friends from Taiwan and Elon that appear in my life when I need them the most. I hope one day I can do the same for friends who need me. I'm so glad the two of them came. It really lifted my spirits.

Ten Day Challenge - Put into One!

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Him: Just give me a sign that you like me and ask me out to hang out already!
2. Guy friend: Please explain to me what that day was all about.
3. Friend #1: Stop being so bossy and childish. 
4. Friend #2: Grow up. 
5. Best friend: Thank you so much for being there for me. I'm so grateful that I've got you near me because I don't know how I would've coped in this place without you. 
6. Best friend from Elon: I'm so happy that we got so close and spent so much time together. You're the friend I wished for when I started college, and I'm so sad that we both transferred out into different places, but thank you so much for keeping in touch and I hope we get to hang again soon!
7. Friend from Elon: I hope you don't go back to your comfort zone. You can tackle life - just don't let the absence of friends push you down. I believe in you :)
8. Dad: I owe my life to you. Thank you for supporting me - I hope I do you proud. I'm sorry studying in America is so expensive, but I'm so blessed you didn't force me to pursue something I don't love. 
9. Mom: I don't know what I'd do without you to talk to. You're always there to listen to me and always try to help out even in the smallest way possible. Thanks for allowing me to grow in my own way. 
10. Friendquaintance: I hope you're not cranky all the time...it's kind of hard to know what to do when you're cranky :P

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

1. I pick on my nail polish when I'm bored. 
2. If I could sing and perform and make money out of that my whole life, I'd be really happy.
3. If I could take photos, edit, and have them published and make money out of that my whole life, I'd be really happy. 
4. I love food. I wish I could eat without gaining weight. 
5. I get excited about trying and seeing new things - no matter how tiny it may seem to other people. 
6. I love showering people I love with love. Lots of love. 
7. No matter how many times I have to do it, goodbyes never get easier. 
8. I get emotionally attached to people and things really easily. 
9. I reminisce often, and when I talk about something, I explain it in full detail. 

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1. There has to be a spark. 
2. That person has to have goals and be passionate about what he wants to do. 
3. Trustworthy & not a party person.
4. Being open-minded and caring about others. 
5. Is up for adventures - whether they're last-minute or planned out.
6. Can easily talk to me.
7. Doesn't pretend to be someone else.
8. Can admit to being wrong and apologizes.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. Him....lol
2. I hope I get a cool summer internship that I learn a lot from.
3. I hope I get accepted into the film program.
4. Wow, I'm hungry.
5. I'm unhappy here.
6. I hope things fall into place.
7. I wish I have someone I can turn to over here.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

1. I wish I didn't snapchat him on Friday haha
2. That's about it. The only things I regret are the things I didn't do. 
3. No ragrets.
4. No ragrets.
5. No ragrets.
6. No regrets. 

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1. Mom
2. Dad
3. Brother
4. Brother
5. God

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

1. When people brag about their drunk stories as if they accomplished something astonishing in life. 
2. Not being polite and not having manners. 
3. Not caring about the future. 
4. When someone's ego is bigger than the universe. 

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1. Muscular body. 
2. Being good with children. 
3. Being humble. 

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1. XD
2. -______________-

Day Ten: One confession.

1. I'm so lost and confused and unhappy, it gets harder to cope everyday. 

Heart versus Mind

Thoughts in: L.A.

Last week was pretty rough. Apart from heartly confusions, second-guesses, and realizations about friends, I was hit by the tiny fact that I'm a bit unhappy with my college. That's not what this post is about though. This is about confusions between what you know your heart wants, what your mind tells you to do, and what your heart wants you to forget. 

It's amazing how one person can help make all your struggles disappear. How little gestures like making you feel wanted, not leaving you alone, and respecting you could change everything and surprise yourself. Sometimes, allowing something extremely new to happen to you isn't such a bad thing - even if it's something you would never have dreamed you'd let happen. At the end of the day it helps you grow. Most importantly, it clears your mind and lets your heart loosen up the knots that have been tightening for the past week. 

Maybe your heart will open up to realizations you didn't want to admit to before. Maybe you'll be more selfless and less selfish about what you want to happen. Maybe you'll be more open to actually allowing time take things through, because this time, maybe you won't be running out of it too fast.