What makes a happy ending?

Thoughts from: L.A. 

As I end the night with lingering feelings from finishing The Newsroom today, I can't help but think about, well, all the things I thought about after work. Why do some things still bother me and why do we care about people who we really shouldn't be wasting our brain cells on? I laid down on my reclined car seat for an hour and 15 minutes (not voluntarily - I was borderline angry while waiting) thinking about these feelings and why I felt them and why other people aside from myself feel the same way. Yes, I did come to a conclusion.

The reason why we tolerate people and end up caring for them way more than we should is because of the emotional investment we put in them way before things got really complicated. Because of this investment, it becomes harder for us to move on and honestly, it really makes it a crap load harder for us to drop it all and stop giving a shit about it. Sometimes these feelings creep up on us during times of severe boredom or really, any time you least expect it. We can't help it - we're only humans who are genuinely nice and genuinely cared for these people who were unable to reciprocate the care the same way. It's alright though. It's not a matter of not letting go, it's really a matter of how you nurture these feelings that will probably never go away. Some scars take longer to heal and some scars leave a mark that constantly remind you of the anger you feel inside. The key is to allow the anger to seep in and be felt, and then take a step back and analyze why you really feel that way and what you can do to help those feelings of anger slowly fade away.

What I'm trying to say is, maybe there isn't a happy ending - or no ending at all. Some things in life don't end, the same way some scars don't disappear. Just don't torture yourself in not knowing why you have all these uncertainties. Just live with it, deal with it, and move on from it. Scars are there to be a constant reminder of something. Don't be afraid of them, don't be ashamed of them, and most importantly, don't let the scars define you. The scars and marks are not the ending, but only a reminder of how you overcame that obstacle and how you just started anew and continued on. It's about living after all you've been through and having the strength to push forward. There is no ending, there is just an opening to a new path.

A Reflection on My Junior Year of College

Thoughts in: L.A.

This is crazy because it feels like just a few days ago, I wrote a blog post on my feelings about finishing my sophomore year, and now junior year of college is done. WHAT?! I can't believe it's been a year ago. A full on year ago. It feels like it was just yesterday, but so much stuff has happened and so much has changed that it feels weird to feel nostalgic. Let's see, what has happened since last summer? First, Andy and I started dating, which pretty much summed up my whole summer and Fall semester. I started my first internship at Make It Happen Productions in July and continued that until Fall. I also started my first semester in the Film Production program at CSUN in Fall and met the loveliest people who I am very close friends with now. I went back to Taiwan for Christmas break, which was awesome. I came back for my Spring semester, and 2nd semester as a Film Production major. Andy and I broke up after 9 months, which really was the lowest point of my whole year, but wait for it....lots of things happened after that! Lots of very good things. I was miserable, as in, not-eating-for-3-weeks miserable. But during those 3 weeks, my film fam has been there for me and Carly, my internship friend, has been there for me like crazy. I honestly don't know how I could've coped without them. Of course, my mom and my family were very supportive and talked me to sleep during my horrible sleepless nights. My wonderful and most-caring father bought me a car and that car has brought me so much joy. My academics dipped at its lowest point during those sad sad 3 weeks, but I worked really hard to pull them up when I got my life together. I spent spring break in the beautiful state of Oregon with the Barneys, which was a great refresher.

I don't know what it is about the weeks that happen after Spring Break, but they are magical - just as they were last year. I come back, get my driver's license, and everything after that was an adventure. Every weekend was something new with friends, another adventure, a new place to see, and every week surprised me with really random and highly entertaining things like guys, projects, and new music. Did I mention that I actually had no time during fall semester that I didn't even have free time to find new music? I was too busy trying to make Andy feel secure that I didn't even have time for myself. I didn't realize how much being with him was holding me back, to a point where I couldn't even get time to find new music to just fill the gaps in my days. But apart from music bringing me happiness, I found more things about myself. I just went ahead and tried to find freelance jobs, and somehow, things fell into place. I landed a fantastic Photography internship for the summer where I'm gonna learn about building a business and maintaining it, as well as doing some photography-related things. I landed two weddings to film this summer. TWO. TWO!!! And I'm getting paid for both of them! Suddenly, I'm one step closer to achieving my wedding photography/videography dream. Sometimes, just the thought of it baffles me. This is real life. This is MY real life, can you believe it?

Apart from all that, I've been exposed to even more possibilities that I did not know would arrive. Come Fall 2015, we will be doing our Senior Thesis Films so everyone's been busy with their proposals and getting people to be in their crews. I had this tiny thought that maybe, if I get super lucky, I'd be able to DP one of the short films, but I just threw that thought away because I never felt that I was good enough. Then one day, someone asked me to be DP in their film. And then another came and so on and now I'm attached to 7 projects - 5 of them as DP, 1 as 1st AC and 1 as PD. I might even propose (I admit, I am supposed to be writing my script, but I'm writing this blog post first because I have a lot of feelings and I procrastinate a lot). I just never thought that I would be in this position. I know the chances of having one of these projects picked is really slim, but I am so grateful for all of these opportunities. After attending the Senior Thesis Showcase this semester, I swear, I have never been prouder to be a part of our CSUN CTVA Film Production team. I've never loved film as much as I love it now. There's so much to learn and so much to experience, and I feel like a noob (because I am one), but I can't wait to experiment and try new things. I got to be 1st AC in our Night Exterior Workshop in our Cinematography class 2 weeks ago and I learned how to assemble a Red One, which lead me to assemble and take care of the Red Scarlet that we used for our Cinematography walkthrough, and it was amazing. I found that I'm happiest when I'm with the camera. It doesn't matter what my role is, as long as I'm working with the camera, and I think that's something valuable to know.

I discovered so many things about myself in the 5 weeks after spring break, and thankfully enough, I took some baby steps that lead me closer to my career goals. I fell in love with the craft I'm studying. I fell in love with life, and life loved me back. It definitely took a lot to get where I am now. Lots of pot holes, lots of emotions and sad days, but there has never been a day where I never thanked God for everyone and everything he's lead my way. I'm thankful for my family, they are my rocks and I would not be able to survive without them. I'm thankful for the CTVA faculty - they lifted me up when my wings needed mending. I'm thankful for my friends for being amazing. I know what it's like to be in a place without family and without friends - that's what I had to deal with last year. But now that I have them, I am never taking them for granted. They don't come easy. I'm thankful for my job that has allowed me to live a great life thus far. I'm thankful for my car. Oh Lord, I am SO THANKFUL for my car. It has allowed me to go on new adventures - whether it's with people or by myself - and it's allowed me to be inspired. It's my partner in crime (although it comes with a cost. A huge cost), and it's my Toothless. I'm thankful for all the opportunities that came my way. I honestly don't know how or why, but I am thankful that they came and that I got the courage to take them all and just go for it.

So that's my junior year. Did I go through a crazy emotional time like last year? Oh yes, for sure. Did the breakup define this semester? Definitely not. In the big picture, the breakup doesn't even ruin or stain anything. It was just painful during the times the pain had to be felt, but once I moved on from that, I became thankful for it. It's been one crazy year, but hey, everything about it was great. I had a loving boyfriend that I got to spend all the important holidays with - my birthday, his birthday, my 1st 4th of July, pre-Christmas season, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, Halloween, and all the beautiful times in between. When the awesome holiday seasons were over and we fell apart, other amazing things fell into place. I fell into place. The cracks in my broken heart are being filled with new versions of me.

I was given the gift to experience so much in a span of 365 days! Always growing, always learning, always adventuring. What a year. If I could scream on top of a hill thanking the world right now, I would. I am so blessed to have been able to experience all this. This. No one can ever take this away from me. Thank you. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my fantastic Junior year of college. What a ride, what a thrill.

I pass the baton to senior year. HERE'S TO THE BEST LAST SUMMER VACATION AND TO THE BEST SENIOR YEAR EVER!!!!!

A Year

Thoughts in: L.A. 

Hey there,

It's been a year since you told me you liked me, and in 12 days, it would have been a year since we made our relationship official. Would have. I wonder if thoughts of me have been filling your head today. I wonder if at one point, you paused whatever was going on in your life, and thought about me. Us. What we were a year ago. I wonder if it stings your heart. I wonder if you find one smidge of regret. I wonder if you're missing me this day. I wonder if it meant to you the same amount it meant to me. 

I often think of you. They used to be angry thoughts, which later turned to pity thoughts. But sometimes I just think of you. That's how I know that I really loved you. Maybe it wasn't the kind of love that would last a lifetime, but it was true and sincere. If anything, it was a love that tried and a love that fought. I can't compare the love you felt, but I hope that one day, you'll realize what the love that I gave you meant, and I hope that on that same day, you'll really realize what you've lost. 

It's interesting how a year in the life could change so much. All I know is, I'm a different person than I was a year ago. I've got so much more in me. So much more love to give to the right guy. He's out there. One day I'll see him, and a year and another year and many more years will come and I won't have to reminisce on the first day he tells me he likes me because he'll be telling me he loves me everyday. He'll fight for me especially during the times I'm too weak to keep fighting. He won't let me go and he won't be lead astray. And he definitely will not leave me when times get rough. So here's to what would have been a year of our relationship. Thank you for the 9 months we had, I'll cherish those memories forever. But most of all, thank you for letting me go, because the right guy is out there, waiting and looking for me, and I'll be better off with him than I will be with anybody else. I learned that that was the best thing you could do for me - letting me go, because I learned that I am really better off without you. 

I hope you're really doing fine. I'll be thinking of you. Thank you. 

I'm Alive, This is What it Sounds Like

Thoughts in: L.A. 

 Words have a limit. They're only a slight reflection of the truth. Most of the time, they only touch on the truth - not because the person speaking intends for it to be that way, but because there isn't a word or there aren't many combinations of words that can fully describe what one truly means. There are so many situations that I wish I could justify with just one word: 

• Being so excited about a photo project you're going to start because you've once again, found yourself. 
• Those mixed feelings of relief, fear, and exaltation the moment you find out your graduation date and that your college days are numbered. 
• That moment of "I-don't-know-what-this-feeling-is" when you notice that an ex probably misses you. 
• Suddenly feeling humbled by the thought that you want happiness for people, even the ones who've hurt you so deeply. 
• Just breathing in and out and feeling happy with your life and that the future just gets more and more thrilling. 
• Waking up without a heavy heart and finally feeling lighthearted. 
• Getting goosebumps just thinking about all you've been through and saying "I can't believe I just got through that."

Everything is so wordy, but it's the best I could do. Even so, how I feel isn't wholly portrayed through all those words. Sometimes I wish I could share a feeling with someone - a moment where they can feel the way my heart feels. But then again, I guess some things are just meant to be felt and not described. 

Isn't it fascinating? We spend all our time trying to figure out cures for diseases or if there are life forms outside our planet, but we couldn't find answers to the feelings we feel because they're just indescribable. We always look for things that aren't there and forget to focus on and understand things that already exist. 

Words can only take you so far and even if we create words to describe all these feelings or moments, doesn't mean we'll be given the ability to feel the same things. I guess that's the magic we have in life - the magic in the mystery of the unknown and the incapability of sharing certain things. That won't stop me from attempting to share my feelings though. I'll share my words the best way I could because feelings are magic and they can change someone more than anything in the world could. Just find the magic in things. 

Lost in the freeway, this must be L.A.

Thoughts in: L.A. 

I had a spectacular Saturday. My friends and I went to Dockweiler beach to have a bonfire and chill. Although we couldn't find a pit, we made the best out of what we had. One more thing I get to cross off my bucket list and a life event that I really wanted to experience for the longest time. Somehow the time just passed by so quickly. After the beach, we went bowling, which was great because we pretty much played until 1 something in the morning. If this doesn't feel like college, I don't know what else will. It was just so great and I felt such bliss just being with my friends, laughing, listening to great music, and being me.

What I realized is that this is probably one of the reasons why God didn't plan for my ex and I to work out, because without the breakup, I wouldn't initiate all these hangouts  and I would miss out on all these cool things we do if I were still with my ex. What makes me ecstatic is that I feel awesome about that realization, because when I think about it, my best college experiences were the days I spent with my friends. I'm not saying you can't have a great college life with a significant other, but in my case, I really wouldn't have gotten the chance to go on all these adventures and hangouts with my friends if I was in my past relationship.

Even if sometimes I miss having that one special person to go on adventures with and chill out in the house and watch TV shows and movies with, I am nothing but thankful for my friends and how my life has turned out thus far. I hope my ex and his new girlfriend are having a good time, because I'm having such a great time finding happiness in the little things in life and doing all the things I've wanted to do with friends who equally want to do them as much as I do. Whatever I have now, he's missing out on big time. I wouldn't trade any of this for the relationship I had with him. I thank God and life for the good times he and I had, but now, I'm really finding peace and happiness from the breakup and his moving on quickly. I'm close to free from the shackles of the breakup and the aftermath.

Life really is something. Being single really is something. Having amazing friends really is something. Here's to more surprises - our journey has just begun.

That Little Refresher Called Spring Break

Thoughts in: Springfield, Oregon!!!

Yes, I am in Oregon, how exciting is that? This place is all sorts of lovely - greenery everywhere, a little fall of rain, and the weather. The weather is the best thing ever! 50 degrees fahrenheit, oh, I am in heaven and I love it so so so so so so so much!! I am currently ending Day 2 of my stay here and everything has been wonderful and relaxing - just what I needed. I can't wait to see the rest of this place though.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking (of course, I think a lot but sometimes I don't want to but the thoughts consume me). I'm in a really good place in my life right now - no more heavy weight of being in the relationship I was in. I didn't know how much I was being pulled down until I started doing stuff for myself because I finally could. Although the single life has been great so far, with just a few annoying suitors who I absolutely have no interest in, sometimes I wonder if I could ever trust a guy to be faithful to me and just love me for the rest of our lives together and stick with me throughout all the struggles. Somehow I just lost, if not all, a ton of hope in the whole guy-committing-to-me idea. Like no matter how many times they tell you they want to grow old with you, somehow, they'll end up throwing all that out of the window.

It's scary. I used to have full trust in someone and now I don't. I hope people are right when they say he's out there. And I hope that he truly proves to me that he means what he's saying - not like those half-assed words that are said when the good times roll, but are then forgotten when the harder times come along. I hope you find me, Mr. Right. I hope you're doing well and I hope you're in a good place in your life. Just be patient with me, okay? :)

Just Once

Feelings in: L.A.

Getting over someone is probably the hardest thing a woman can go through. What sucks is even when life seems to be getting better, I always seem to fall in the holes on the ground. That's what it's really like - walking on the ground with hills along the way; no matter how much you walk forward, the ground will always have some pit holes that you would fall into. It doesn't matter whether or not you're on top of the hill or not, there's always going to be a hole of sadness and climbing out that hole to walk back on the ground becomes a harder and longer process than falling.

Sometimes strange things happen in life that make you really realize that you're not over that guy even when you know that you're not meant to be together and that you deserve so much better. Because no matter who gives you hugs or cuddles you, a part of you would always feel that you'd rather it be him doing all those things for you. Then you start wondering if he would even care if he found out.

It also sucks how things are so double-sided. Like when something good happens, he's automatically the first person you want to tell it to, but since you're broken up and bitter towards his moving on so quickly, you don't want him to find out.

I think of wishing for a lot of things that I know won't come true - I wish that I could get over this right away; I wish that time would pass by quicker; I wish that karma gets him; I wish that he didn't move on so quickly; I wish that he was in the same state I'm in. But there's no use in wishing things like this. Instead, I wish that I could have the strength to climb back up every time I fall into a pit hole. I wish that every time I climb back up, I get to walk with more confidence and be stronger the next time I fall. I wish I could keep walking, no matter how fast or how slow it takes me, and not give up. And I wish that somewhere at the finish line, there will be people or someone who will be there to hold my hand and tell me that I don't have to go through that journey alone anymore. But really, I just wish I have the strength to go through this challenge in life by myself. And I wish that after this long and strenuous journey, I can find the courage to trust someone with my heart again, because right now, I don't think I can.

Moving on and finally being happy about it

I feel a lot better today. I talked to a couple of people who have been there to support me since the beginning of this breakup. I talked to them about the situation that happened yesterday and no matter how many ups and downs I go through, I always come to the same conclusion: that I am better off without him. You know what? It feels great. It finally feels great!

I really hope I don't see him and her together (if they end up as a couple, which I'm sure they will) because that really won't be necessary in my life. Good luck to both of them with whatever happens. No sarcasm intended, I really wish them luck. Now it's my turn to not give two shits about it.

I'm thankful for everything he's done for me and for the time we had, but his purpose in my life is done and vice versa. I hate how he's been so selfish and childish throughout this breakup process and after. I hate how he just didn't care about my feelings at all. I really don't need that in my life. I deserve so much better and I don't need another guy to help me get through this because I can do it by myself along with the support of everyone else to help me stand when I start falling.

I am done. I am moving on. I'll look back and smile, then I'll always turn my head forward and keep walking towards the future. I'll embrace the sadness when it comes and I'll be a roller coaster of emotions, but I will be a stronger person after this, and I'll be a better and more independent being.

I don't need him anymore and I don't want him anymore. It's all in the past. I'm thankful for it but I am more thankful for the future - the future guy who will be so much better than he ever will be, and my future self who would be more focused on my goals and what I want and what I truly need.

I'm not the same person I was yesterday and the weeks and months before. I changed and I feel it. What's good is that I feel great about it. I was walking home from class tonight with a smile on my face. For the first time since the breakup, I genuinely feel happy. Happy that I'm single and that it doesn't bother me. Happy that I'm free from the worst that could have been. Happy that I can move on and look forward to whatever this place has to offer.

This place can beat me up and really bring me down, but after I've endured everything, I'll look back at these battle scars, take a deep breath, and know that I am always better where I am now than where I was before.