I'm Alive, This is What it Sounds Like

Thoughts in: L.A. 

 Words have a limit. They're only a slight reflection of the truth. Most of the time, they only touch on the truth - not because the person speaking intends for it to be that way, but because there isn't a word or there aren't many combinations of words that can fully describe what one truly means. There are so many situations that I wish I could justify with just one word: 

• Being so excited about a photo project you're going to start because you've once again, found yourself. 
• Those mixed feelings of relief, fear, and exaltation the moment you find out your graduation date and that your college days are numbered. 
• That moment of "I-don't-know-what-this-feeling-is" when you notice that an ex probably misses you. 
• Suddenly feeling humbled by the thought that you want happiness for people, even the ones who've hurt you so deeply. 
• Just breathing in and out and feeling happy with your life and that the future just gets more and more thrilling. 
• Waking up without a heavy heart and finally feeling lighthearted. 
• Getting goosebumps just thinking about all you've been through and saying "I can't believe I just got through that."

Everything is so wordy, but it's the best I could do. Even so, how I feel isn't wholly portrayed through all those words. Sometimes I wish I could share a feeling with someone - a moment where they can feel the way my heart feels. But then again, I guess some things are just meant to be felt and not described. 

Isn't it fascinating? We spend all our time trying to figure out cures for diseases or if there are life forms outside our planet, but we couldn't find answers to the feelings we feel because they're just indescribable. We always look for things that aren't there and forget to focus on and understand things that already exist. 

Words can only take you so far and even if we create words to describe all these feelings or moments, doesn't mean we'll be given the ability to feel the same things. I guess that's the magic we have in life - the magic in the mystery of the unknown and the incapability of sharing certain things. That won't stop me from attempting to share my feelings though. I'll share my words the best way I could because feelings are magic and they can change someone more than anything in the world could. Just find the magic in things. 

Lost in the freeway, this must be L.A.

Thoughts in: L.A. 

I had a spectacular Saturday. My friends and I went to Dockweiler beach to have a bonfire and chill. Although we couldn't find a pit, we made the best out of what we had. One more thing I get to cross off my bucket list and a life event that I really wanted to experience for the longest time. Somehow the time just passed by so quickly. After the beach, we went bowling, which was great because we pretty much played until 1 something in the morning. If this doesn't feel like college, I don't know what else will. It was just so great and I felt such bliss just being with my friends, laughing, listening to great music, and being me.

What I realized is that this is probably one of the reasons why God didn't plan for my ex and I to work out, because without the breakup, I wouldn't initiate all these hangouts  and I would miss out on all these cool things we do if I were still with my ex. What makes me ecstatic is that I feel awesome about that realization, because when I think about it, my best college experiences were the days I spent with my friends. I'm not saying you can't have a great college life with a significant other, but in my case, I really wouldn't have gotten the chance to go on all these adventures and hangouts with my friends if I was in my past relationship.

Even if sometimes I miss having that one special person to go on adventures with and chill out in the house and watch TV shows and movies with, I am nothing but thankful for my friends and how my life has turned out thus far. I hope my ex and his new girlfriend are having a good time, because I'm having such a great time finding happiness in the little things in life and doing all the things I've wanted to do with friends who equally want to do them as much as I do. Whatever I have now, he's missing out on big time. I wouldn't trade any of this for the relationship I had with him. I thank God and life for the good times he and I had, but now, I'm really finding peace and happiness from the breakup and his moving on quickly. I'm close to free from the shackles of the breakup and the aftermath.

Life really is something. Being single really is something. Having amazing friends really is something. Here's to more surprises - our journey has just begun.

That Little Refresher Called Spring Break

Thoughts in: Springfield, Oregon!!!

Yes, I am in Oregon, how exciting is that? This place is all sorts of lovely - greenery everywhere, a little fall of rain, and the weather. The weather is the best thing ever! 50 degrees fahrenheit, oh, I am in heaven and I love it so so so so so so so much!! I am currently ending Day 2 of my stay here and everything has been wonderful and relaxing - just what I needed. I can't wait to see the rest of this place though.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking (of course, I think a lot but sometimes I don't want to but the thoughts consume me). I'm in a really good place in my life right now - no more heavy weight of being in the relationship I was in. I didn't know how much I was being pulled down until I started doing stuff for myself because I finally could. Although the single life has been great so far, with just a few annoying suitors who I absolutely have no interest in, sometimes I wonder if I could ever trust a guy to be faithful to me and just love me for the rest of our lives together and stick with me throughout all the struggles. Somehow I just lost, if not all, a ton of hope in the whole guy-committing-to-me idea. Like no matter how many times they tell you they want to grow old with you, somehow, they'll end up throwing all that out of the window.

It's scary. I used to have full trust in someone and now I don't. I hope people are right when they say he's out there. And I hope that he truly proves to me that he means what he's saying - not like those half-assed words that are said when the good times roll, but are then forgotten when the harder times come along. I hope you find me, Mr. Right. I hope you're doing well and I hope you're in a good place in your life. Just be patient with me, okay? :)

Just Once

Feelings in: L.A.

Getting over someone is probably the hardest thing a woman can go through. What sucks is even when life seems to be getting better, I always seem to fall in the holes on the ground. That's what it's really like - walking on the ground with hills along the way; no matter how much you walk forward, the ground will always have some pit holes that you would fall into. It doesn't matter whether or not you're on top of the hill or not, there's always going to be a hole of sadness and climbing out that hole to walk back on the ground becomes a harder and longer process than falling.

Sometimes strange things happen in life that make you really realize that you're not over that guy even when you know that you're not meant to be together and that you deserve so much better. Because no matter who gives you hugs or cuddles you, a part of you would always feel that you'd rather it be him doing all those things for you. Then you start wondering if he would even care if he found out.

It also sucks how things are so double-sided. Like when something good happens, he's automatically the first person you want to tell it to, but since you're broken up and bitter towards his moving on so quickly, you don't want him to find out.

I think of wishing for a lot of things that I know won't come true - I wish that I could get over this right away; I wish that time would pass by quicker; I wish that karma gets him; I wish that he didn't move on so quickly; I wish that he was in the same state I'm in. But there's no use in wishing things like this. Instead, I wish that I could have the strength to climb back up every time I fall into a pit hole. I wish that every time I climb back up, I get to walk with more confidence and be stronger the next time I fall. I wish I could keep walking, no matter how fast or how slow it takes me, and not give up. And I wish that somewhere at the finish line, there will be people or someone who will be there to hold my hand and tell me that I don't have to go through that journey alone anymore. But really, I just wish I have the strength to go through this challenge in life by myself. And I wish that after this long and strenuous journey, I can find the courage to trust someone with my heart again, because right now, I don't think I can.

Moving on and finally being happy about it

I feel a lot better today. I talked to a couple of people who have been there to support me since the beginning of this breakup. I talked to them about the situation that happened yesterday and no matter how many ups and downs I go through, I always come to the same conclusion: that I am better off without him. You know what? It feels great. It finally feels great!

I really hope I don't see him and her together (if they end up as a couple, which I'm sure they will) because that really won't be necessary in my life. Good luck to both of them with whatever happens. No sarcasm intended, I really wish them luck. Now it's my turn to not give two shits about it.

I'm thankful for everything he's done for me and for the time we had, but his purpose in my life is done and vice versa. I hate how he's been so selfish and childish throughout this breakup process and after. I hate how he just didn't care about my feelings at all. I really don't need that in my life. I deserve so much better and I don't need another guy to help me get through this because I can do it by myself along with the support of everyone else to help me stand when I start falling.

I am done. I am moving on. I'll look back and smile, then I'll always turn my head forward and keep walking towards the future. I'll embrace the sadness when it comes and I'll be a roller coaster of emotions, but I will be a stronger person after this, and I'll be a better and more independent being.

I don't need him anymore and I don't want him anymore. It's all in the past. I'm thankful for it but I am more thankful for the future - the future guy who will be so much better than he ever will be, and my future self who would be more focused on my goals and what I want and what I truly need.

I'm not the same person I was yesterday and the weeks and months before. I changed and I feel it. What's good is that I feel great about it. I was walking home from class tonight with a smile on my face. For the first time since the breakup, I genuinely feel happy. Happy that I'm single and that it doesn't bother me. Happy that I'm free from the worst that could have been. Happy that I can move on and look forward to whatever this place has to offer.

This place can beat me up and really bring me down, but after I've endured everything, I'll look back at these battle scars, take a deep breath, and know that I am always better where I am now than where I was before.

Hello Confusion

Thoughts in: L.A.

Hello again, blog. I forgot you existed until I felt the need to write again. Life's been good so far. Junior year's been pretty nice, if "nice" could really describe a semester thus far. I've been in a relationship with the guy I've been confused about since I started liking him last semester. It's been 4 months now and we're really happy. I'm just, once again, confused.

He's been every sort of loving until he does stuff or says things that suddenly change everything. Yesterday, he told me he doesn't like long and many kisses, which really caught me off guard. It made me upset and really hurt. My first relationship was a long-distance relationship and it would've been nice to be able to give him kisses while we were together. No doubt, he felt the same way. Now that I've finally got a significant other at the same place and at the same time, he throws that at me. It sucks because I do like long kisses that don't feel like just a normal peck. And it sucks that I can't even share that with my boyfriend because he "doesn't want the excitement in kisses to go away."

It's actually quite depressing really. Shouldn't the one just be absolutely crazy about you and not complain about that? If so, does that mean he's still somewhere in the world waiting to find me and treat me that way? Or am I just being overly emotional about it?

Either way, right now I just feel like I've waited 20 years just to have kisses turned down.

Awe

A Reflection from: L.A. 

May 16, 2014 was my last day of finals. My last official day of sophomore year. After all the things that have happened - all the time rushing by so quickly, all the time moving by so slowly - I can't believe that all those events and life changes made up my sophomore year. It felt like two different lifetimes, but in reality, it was just my sophomore year. If I would describe it in one word, it would be "change." Nothing describes change as well as this school year.

From getting my mind to transfer, to entering my sophomore year in Elon knowing that it would be my last semester there and that I'd have to leave all my friends and family that I've met, to trying to live life to its fullest with the people I love, to moving to the other side of the country and to the unknown, to being ultimately unhappy about my new life in LA, to accepting the misery and dwelling in it, to picking myself up and getting over it and not being afraid of failure, to actually achieving goals, to experience new things I never thought I would experience so soon, and to finally being absolutely happy and thankful for the new life I've managed to get a hold of.

It definitely wasn't easy and there were many tears and sleepless nights on the way. But in the end, it was all necessary. Up to this day I cannot believe that I actually did it, and that I still need to keep trying and pursuing what I love and exploring new horizons because that's what life is all about. And I love it that way.

Today, I moved out of my dorm and into a house with a room of my own that I am absolutely in love with. Back from watching The Amazing Spider-Man 2 with my FASA fam, I lay here in bed for the first time and write. In so many ways I've grown and discovered new things about myself - things that I never thought I could conquer and get over. I've got so much growing left to do and I can't wait! Because all this hard work, all the emotional roller coasters and pools of self doubt make me feel that I can lose and win in life - and at the end of it all, I can proudly lay down and say, "I did it. I don't know how, and dang it I feel that I got lucky, but I did it!"

So did I like my sophomore year better than my freshman year of college? I honestly don't know. They were too different. But it was definitely a year of growth and independence. I'm so thankful for all the people that I met this semester - especially the ones that stayed until after spring break, and especially the ones I got closer to after spring break. They made L.A. feel like home, and I will be forever grateful for that.

Two years of college down. I can't even process if it was quick or not because in all honesty, it took a while for me to get to where I am right now. I don't know where life will take me or if some people will stay, but I hope that from now on, it'll be a great adventure down the road where the finish line is a goal I want to achieve.

I hope junior year treats me well, but until then, here's a toast to a summer where I hope I learn a lot of things and experience new adventures!!

Thanks, sophomore year. I appreciate you more than I can express.

I Remember How I Loved You

Thoughts from: L.A.

Four years have passed since we decided to put a break into our relationship. It's crazy to think that it's already been that long; crazy to think how we've both changed individually. Over the past month, during a few talks with some friends, someone asked me how many guys I've loved so far in my life. It's a simple answer: one. Some people thought it was cute and some people thought it was sad. But I think it's a great thing. I don't play with the word "love" so easily, so when I say it, I mean it. And I'm glad that I didn't just throw it away to other people - I sincerely just loved one person who was my only boyfriend.

I don't know what it was that made things feel so at ease with you. Maybe it was the distance and the fact that you couldn't force me to do anything because we were physically apart. Or maybe it's because you never pressured me into doing anything - you always put my feelings first.

I don't know how it would have been different if we were at the same place at the same time during our relationship. And honestly, I'm fine with never knowing because the past is in the past. But now I just wonder if I could love someone the same way. Because even if there's a sense of attraction at the moment, a part of me feels scared, maybe even terrified, of being with someone who's actually here. All the "what-ifs" start rolling in my head and all my insecurities start rushing in once more. Suddenly loving someone the way I loved you seems scarier than it should be.

Maybe it's just a phase or me over-thinking things like I usually do. But whoever he is that comes into my life, I hope he wipes away all my fears, and makes me feel secure.

Kiss Today Goodbye

Thoughts from: L.A. coming from Taiwan

I just got back to LA from my one week spring break in Taiwan. I miss my family so much already. One week just wasn't enough - but it's so much better than nothing. It's crazy how the presence of the people you love can change how you feel; how doing the simplest things could become so special, like watching TV with your family in the living room or going out to eat in Ikea. Being back here, I sort of feel empty again. Suddenly I'm scared that I'll have nothing to do and no one to see and that my emptiness will consume me and make me unhappy once more. I really don't want that to happen, and I hope it doesn't...I really hope it doesn't. Maybe I'm just being overwhelmed with emotions right now because I miss my family and I miss how homey Taiwan was. I miss speaking Mandarin to people and I miss buying tea from tea stores and I miss the night market. I miss everything. Except for the scooters. The scooters were annoying as hell. But I guess I gotta get busy living, so I hope my days will be filled with events and love.

Thanks to my family and to Taiwan for a perfect spring break! I wish I could've stayed longer.

Wake Up Call

Thoughts in: L.A. 

I had two wake up calls on Wednesday: the first, was to give up liking this guy because it's going nowhere and all the confusion in my head finally made sense. The second, was to snap out of my pool of self-doubt and discourage, and to just apply to get in the Film Production program here in school. I've thought about it a lot and before I was really thinking of just settling with a major in TV Production. I wouldn't have to do a portfolio and it sounded interesting. With the portfolio due date coming by so soon, I thought, "Yeah, I don't need to get into Film Production. Same thing anyway." Thank God I didn't end up not trying out for it again. I did that for Musical Theatre and I don't want to do it again. This whole not-believing-in-myself thing is getting ridiculous and if I feel that I'm not good enough for anything and never end up trying, I'll really never know. I guess I owe my wake up call to my film professor, who could be real mean in class but once he approached me and talked to me about applying to the major, things changed. Maybe I have potential - I'm not a pro and I have so much to learn, but the thing is, I love learning new things about film - about cinematography, lighting, editing, anything about it. So thanks to the wonders of Wednesday and everything that happened in it. Thanks to my friend, who I usually chat with during break in class, for not showing up - because he wasn't there, my professor got to talk to me for a bit and gave me hope. Thanks to my professor for being harsh - it only meant that once he's nice, he might be seeing potential (or not, but I'd like to believe so). Thanks to the guy for not texting me back - I finally got to give up on you and not be so caught up in liking you. Thanks to my two high school friends for coming to visit me that night - for the first time, I needed this place to feel like home, and you guys made that happen. And it was also comforting to know that I'm not the only one who's unhappy or unsure about what to major in.

It's a Saturday morning. I'm minutes away from getting ready to take photos for my photo story needed in my portfolio. I spent the rest of the week thinking about it and thanks to my roommate last night, I got the best moral dilemma. I have the shot list and storyboard ready. And... *breaks into song* FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVEEEEEEEEEEEER, okay maybe not forever, but for the first time ever since I attended CSUN, I'm finally excited to do something for my major and for my next 2 years left of college. I'm finally excited to try. There's no backing down anymore. Failure is no longer scary. For the first time since I got here, I found my passion again. This time, I'm not letting go of it that easily anymore.

So thank you, Wednesday. I'm awake now. Cue "Wake Me Up" by Avicii.